Format as follows- SECULAR INDULGENCE|||CHRISTIAN ALTERNATIVE

MAGIC THE GATHERING|||||REDEMPTION

Golly, how I yearn for an acceptable alternative to summoning demons to do my bidding! Good news, there is one! Well……..you still summon demons, but at least they’re biblical ones. Because FAKE demons have the greatest potential to crawl into your noodle and force you to depraved acts (i.e., heavy petting and fornication). I actually find it kind of interesting that this game is viewed as extremely corrupting to the soul. I’ve yet to see somebody who plays this game that’s doing any fornicating at all (unless you count cosplay orgies (and I don’t), in which case they’ve scored some wicked tight elven poon).  Though, I must admit that I see why somebody could see this game as deeply disturbing, with the deeply graphic and poignant portraits of the TERRIFYING creatures who only exist to bring suffering to mankind. BEHOLD, MALFEGOR!

So....demons really DO look like the lovechild of a dinosaur and Motaro from Mortal Kombat! Just like Revelation describes!

     Since the desire for sodomy Magic the Gathering produces  is coupled with a crippling inability to participate in it, a new game with a similar concept using biblical characters was established, ostensibly  without those pesky urges.  This game took nowhere by storm, and is the second longest running collectible trading card game after Magic: The Gathering. Except, in redemption, instead of ruthlessly murdering the other player, you simply free “lost souls” that he is for some reason choosing to imprison, while he tries to free the ones you have attained. Now, I believe I speak for my fellow vagrant smothering enthusiasts(and Shang Tsung!) when I say I empathize with not wanting to part with the souls I’ve collected. I can only imagine it being a very visceral experience. One thing I will say for it: I’d imagine playing it lets you learn about all kinds of bad guys from the Bible which you might otherwise have missed out on learning about, since it’s such a boring read. Ladies and Gentlemen: Redemption. Please pay careful attention to how horribly the artwork wanks.

SPONGEBOB AND OTHER CHILDRENS PROGRAMMING THAT CLEARLY TURN KIDS GAY||||| VEGGIE TALES

It’s bad enough when cartoons DARE to try and teach our children a couple words of Spanish, But when a popular syndicated cartoon boldly attempts to teach your precious little munchkins to become shameless, blaspheming cock jockeys, you’ve simply got to draw the line.

This will be your children if they keep watching Nickelodeon.

Again, thankfully, some smart guy came to the rescue with a double whammy of wholesome family awesome. What if we made a wholesome family show, where all the characters were wholesome vegetables? Maybe we can use this whole “subconscious mindfuckery” thing to our advantage! If our children think of okra as “hip,” we’ll have no problem shoving it down their throats(with a Bible message, to boot!). And while I’ll admit I got a chuckle or two off of the clips I viewed………….I experienced roughly the same number of gay thoughts. The only difference is, Veggie Tales wants you to truly and deeply hate yourself for it. Consider it done, Veggie Tales! *Savagely beats own crotch with a Bible*

EVIL, VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES||||| SPIRITUAL WARFARE AND CO.

     If you guys are anything like me, the more virtual strangers you disembowel, the closer you come to doing it to a real life stranger. Since this is clearly empirical evidence supported fact, there’s only one thing to do. Throw out your collection of violent games and purchase a copy of Spiritual Warfare for Sega Genesis and The Bible Game for Xbox. Spriritual warfare is mind numbingly……..ridiculous. You physically throw fruit at people until demons come out of them, at which time you throw fruit at the demons until THEY die, and the person they were possessing repents. Some of the fruits of the Spirit include apples, pears, pomegranates, and bananas! You may also obtain biblical relics such as samson’s jawbone, which must be pretty much just teeth after having been used to beat 1000 philistines to death. Maybe it was a cyborg donkey, with a titanium jaw.

     I DIGRESS. In The Bible Game, you get to answer ludicrously difficult Bible Trivia questions, and in the clip I saw you also get to re-enact the age old game that Christians have been playing for centuries- don’t get completely eviscerated by an assortment of toothy carnivores! In short, you get to have fun AND learn a lot. Though………the dodge the lion game looks mildly intriguing. Maybe there’s a stoning mini-game where you throw rocks at famous prophets! The Wii would be ideal for this, and could take into account the strength of the throw, as well as the angle. SUPERB! If you want to see a real LIVE stoning, you’ll have to go visit Iran, where a Muslim priest can order someone stoned for looking at them funny (or thinking about America). Also, it’s illegal for women to refuse their husbands sex there. BONUS! I guess my only question would be whether that also applied to anal. Like anal during Ramadan. Or anal in a mosque. Or a hand drawn picture of Mohammad getting anal from Ghandi.  PSYCH! I know that last one isn’t culturally acceptable!

NOT SHITTY TV PROGRAMMING||||| TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL

This television broadcast is funny, like Walker, Texas Ranger is funny. It makes me cringe several times each episode, laugh a couple more, and thanks to some of the moral lessons, I’ve completely quit masturbating more than 6 times a day (to Roma Downey).

I wish I could get touched by an angel.......DELLA REESE, BABY

SECULAR COMIC BOOKS||||| ARCHANGEL COMICS

You’ve definitely got to check these bad boys out.

Turns out Angels look kind of like American Gladiators…………..but significantly more homoerotic.  Also notice that one of the angels is African American. This means one is probably Asian, and another one is probably homosexual (I sort of hope it’s a female). I’m just glad God is polite enough to make his angels politically correct in ethnic ratios. Now THAT’S a deity I can get behind(no homo)!

GOOSEBUMPS BY R.L. STINE||||| SPINE CHILLERS BY FRED. E. KATZ. (YES HOMO)

Remember when you were reading a child’s horror story that truly and deeply shook your concept of the spiritual world? So does Fred! He wrote these books, and I quote, because Fred “knows the negative effects of horror fiction books are having on kids!”  All of the same ball shrinking fear, with none of the iniquity! Also featuring the world’s worst pen name! Buy the whole series now, and you just may save yourself from damnation.

As is fucking obvious by now (2 fucking mortal kombat references), I’m running out of steam here, so I should probably quit while I’m ahead. Well, fallen slightly behind. You know, hovering around mediocre, I’d say. It’s a good thing you guys love me for who I am, just the way I love you. What a wonderful world.